Bad Week? Good Week?

Grief comes in waves — grief reactions can come and go, and the intensity varies considerably.  Just when I feel that things are finally a bit easier, something can unexpectedly trigger a whole new flood of feelings.

Last week was one of those devastated weeks.  Seems like I was surfing in the rough sea on a typhoon day and kept hitting by the raging waves that pulled me down to the bottom of the sea.    Struggling hard to resurface to the top but my legs were chained to a cauldron filled with pain, grief, guilt and sorrow that made it difficult for me to move and kick myself out of the turmoil. 

Final Gifts

This book is introduced to me by Tina whose neighbour works as a Palliative Care Nurse in White Rock Hospital.   After Terry was gone, Tina ran into her one day and asked her if patients know what is going on and understand what is being said when they have lost consciousness while approaching the final stage of life.   The answer is yes, they do. It is just that they no longer have the energy to respond but they can hear and understand.

Terry-Sent Angels

Terry sent me two Earth angels on Saturday to re-wire the TV cables in my house. He mentioned about the wiring at my place when he was sick in bed to Tina and Rob, a lovely couple from TELUS. Not only do they make sure the job is done but done flawlessly. Frankly, not many people nowadays will follow through on a casual request especially when the person who brought that up was no longer with us.

Talking About 444

I am no kidding you...   Here is T again!

I just checked on my blog stats and 444 is the number that showed up on the pageview count.  It could have been 443 or 445, no?

Thanks Terry for letting me know you are still with me!!  Love you!!!

Three-Digit Number

444 may mean nothing to most people but it is a very meaningful number for Terry and I.  Ever since I met Terry in 2004, I (even Terry) have been seeing 444 constantly from checking time on clocks; time displays; cell phones; computer monitors to hospital billboards in Hong Kong, car licence plates in Vancouver, Anchorage, Alaska to Guangzhou, China, price on food packages to odometer of my car.  Not to mention Terry's Chevrolet Suburban licence plate number was 444-CDB.

Is This A Prank?

Black cloud still hovering over me and dare me to smile?

Received a recorded message from a 1-877 number on the 18th advising that my debit card may be at risk and asked me to call them.  I being skeptical, called my branch and checked if that was a scam or not.  Ended up I have been a victim of identity theft and someone did transfer money from my bank account to a third party through online banking.  I still do not quite understand how could that happen without my authorization but explanation from the bank is online banking does allow e-transfer to any party as long as you or anyone logs in with your correct password.  It never occurs to me online banking is so insecure and unsafe until bad things happened.

Decked Out

Quote of the Day:

"Both tears and sweat are salty, but they render a different result.

Tears will get you sympathy; sweat will get you change."

-    Jesse Jackson

 

After a day's hard work under the angry sun and gallons of sweat produced, here is how my deck looks like now.

I totally underestimate the size of the job as it is only a small deck.  Once I got my hands dirty, I started to realize it was not as easy as I thought.  I ended up reorganizing the hardwood tiles at least 4 to 5 times to make it work.   It is so much like solving a puzzle to me.

I am no believer of gender equality and I strongly believe this is a blue job!  Otherwise, why there is the color blue and pink?  Why God created Adam and Eve?  I miss you Terry!!

A Day with Terry at Yarrow

July 14, 2012.  Sunny.

I finally made it to Yarrow all by myself yesterday.  Even with the GPS, I found myself driving around New Westminster (at least that was where I thought I was at) trying to get back on Highway 1.  Make sense?   Maybe I should just follow the instructions as told and stop analyzing the information given.  Why arguing with the GPS when I have absolutely no sense of direction myself.  Lesson Learned.   But didn't I keep asking Terry to just follow the GPS and stop playing GPS himself?  I guess that is human nature.  Always thinking too highly of oneself's ability.

Two Down, Five to Go

Gloomy start to Friday, the 13th but the sun did outrun the clouds as day went by.  No more excuse to stay lazy after the sun crept back and the day has to commence.

Ever since I moved back to my place in Richmond on June 27, I have been continuously junking out, cleaning up, unpacking and the worst yet to come, shopping for more junks.  The logic behind junking out is to make room for more junks?

The Sky Was Crying - June 16, 2012

The sky was crying with us on June 16, 2012.  Tears were rolling down the streets when almost 150 people gathered at Woodlawn Funeral Home in Abbotsford to celebrate the life of Terry, the love of my life.  The hall was filled with tears and laughters throughout the service.  Thanks to Jonathan of Woodlawn, Garth Froese, Russ Froese, Mike Black, Joe Lanouette, Erwin Wong, Tina Rovatti, Steven Scuor and all of our close relatives, friends and co-workers, the service was a great one.

Terry - The Love of My Life

Terry and I have only been together for seven and a half years. Even though it was a relatively short period of time, he was a man no one can replace… at least not in my heart. The Terry I know was very committed to his job. He was always sitting in front of his laptop working seven days a week that would drive me insane. He would put his personal life and home chores aside because of work. However, looking back now, I began to realize regardless how busy he was, he would still find time for me and take very good care of me. Especially in the last six months of his life, it confirmed that Terry was a giving man with very big heart. I am sorry if I did not constantly demonstrate how much you meant to me. I do appreciate everything you did for me and the devoted love that you continuously showered me with.

Worst Day of My Life - May 8, 2012

May 8 was definitely the worst day of my life.  PAPA Terry chose to leave me on that day to move on to a better place where there is only peace and no more sufferings.

I still remember the last sentence he spoke to me on that day, "May be it's time to say".  "Say what?" I asked.  "Bye Bye", he replied.  It is still so vivid and still stuck at the back of my mind.  Why did he choose to leave me so soon?   I still have so many things I want to say to him, telling him how much I love him, how much I am going to miss him?  Life is so not the same without him.

I know this is going to be a long grieving process and mourning journey.  Hope this blog can be a pain reliever for me.   Knowing Terry will be visiting my blog up there, I am going to share the bits and pieces of my life WITHOUT him with him and any visitor who happens to drop by.