Do You Remember?

Do you still remember the birthday gift from Tina and Jean?

Do you still remember the message you wanted to put on the tile?

Tina, Jean, Wayne and I attended the inauguration of the Leave Your Mark! Community Campaign on the new Ken Spencer Science Park at TELUS World of Science on October 21, 2012.  It was so thoughtful of Tina and Jean to think of you when Science World came up with this name your tile campaign and decided to buy you a tile for your birthday this year.   Too sad you could not get to see the tile in person but I knew  you were with us that day.

When A Date Hurts

Was it the weather or was it just me?
Was it the date that hurts or was it just me?
I cried myself to sleep that night and it was the first time after Terry passed away.

October 10 may mean nothing to most people but it could have been our 8th anniversary.  Terry would normally arrange a trip for us in October.  Even though he did not say much about the trip but I knew he cared. 

 

On this October 10, even though he was no longer with me, even though there was no more trip for us, he did once again show his presence to me.  He remembered. 

Thanksgiving Day

I once thought I would be left alone after Terry passed away. 

I once thought the 'Froese' would soon be a past tense to me.  

I once thought it would be a lonesome Thanksgiving Day for me from now on.

When September Ends

 

 

“To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” ― William Shakespeare

 

Gloomy is the only word I can think of when coming to describe myself in this September month.  It has been a particularly dark and murky month for me.  I spent most of my days either in bed or wandering aimlessly at home.

One Long Weekend Made Longer

 

It is tough to spend a long weekend all by yourself without your loved one and the worst part of my life is there will be more of those days to come.  I just cannot stop asking God why does He allow death and sufferings on earth.  I have been waiting all these months for just one answer from Him.

 

Four months have gone by and I am still living in regrets and guilts.  My head is working like a dryer day and night with regrets and guilts spinning round and round in me trying to dry them out.   I guess the dryer is aging and its spinning power is slowing down.  The drying process is taking longer and longer.

 

 

 

Watching TV

I was watching the RNC (Republican National Conference) 2012 on MSNBC earlier and was thinking if Terry was still with us, he would be watching the same programme on TV.  He was into US politics as he seriously considered himself to be a half American just because Mum Lorna was also holding an American passport (I believe she was born in Canada)!   He would sing National Anthems for both Canada and USA when we went to hockey games at GM Place.

Divorces

My one year old laptop that Terry got me went gaga this week.  After restoring it to an earlier date, the whole Microsoft Office 2010 Professional Plus disappeared into thin air and looked like it was in the process of filing for a divorce.  I have to technically post a WANTED poster for all the missing softwares as separation is out of my equation in this relationship.   I   do not want to let go of it yet.  Being a computer dummy myself, it left me with no choice but to call Raymond, the Bounty Hunter for help.  I left my laptop with him yesterday and hopefully he can locate the missing party for me to save my bond.

Blessed By Angels

 

 

 

Isn't it amazing to have so many angels dancing around you? 

Last week, I was in a panic mood as I noticed there are a number of issues with my car that may need servicing attention but the warranty of the car will soon be expiring in September.  Will I have enough time to deal with those problems before the warranty is up and will those repairs be covered by the warranty?  I also do not want to face any unexpected repairs and expenses after the warranty so I want to make sure the car company will do a full check on my car before the coverage is up.  But how well will you trust the company when they have a business to run?

Yesterday Once More? Yesterday No More!

August 23, 2012, 2:59 am

Yesterday morning was one of those mornings that I was swarmed with guilt while thinking of Terry about things that I could have done better and nicer to him but did not, words that I could have said and presented to him in a better and sweeter manner but I did not.  Waves after waves of guilt were rushing ashore and carrying me offshore that I almost drowned myself in tears.

 

Obviously Terry heard me and sent me two significant indications that warmed my heart, comforted me, assured me that he is and will always be with me and wanted me to free myself from feeling guilty as he has forgiven me for whatever I have done to him and that he is not angry at me anymore.

Thoughts

  

Just found an email from my aunt Hidy sitting in the junk box of an email account I rarely use.  Normally, I will just delete all the junk mails without checking but today I found this email.  I guess it is meant to be read by me.  Here are some of the meaningful thoughts in the email that I find them worth sharing with my friends:

Why is a Car's WINDSHIELD so large and the Rear view Mirror so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move On.

為什麼汽車的擋風玻璃這麽大，而後視鏡卻如此的小？因為我們的過去沒有像我們的未來這般重要。所以，集中精神向前看，向著未來前進。

I Had A Dream

I had a weird dream last night, the night after I visited Terry in Yarrow that afternoon.  In the dream, Wayne told me his brother was not home all night.  I then called Terry on his cell to make sure he was sound and safe (I still remember clearly the number I called in the dream was someone else's phone number).  Terry answered the phone and his voice was so full of energy, cheerful and excited.  He told me he had a new assignment or a new position with the company and he had lots to do.  He  had been working all night compiling a report or something.  I told him work was not all important and right at that point, it came to me Terry was no longer with us and he was gone for good.  Then, who was I talking to?  I remained calm and that voice on the other end started to change, a voice that I could not recognize.  The guy then told me he was turning a new page in life and he had to work hard......  seemed like our phone lines got crossed and I was talking to a total stranger.   I was not scared a bit in the dream and woke up with a vivid memory of the dream.

93 Days and Still Counting

Today is the 8th of another month.  Today is the 93rd day of journey on my own.   Today is a day after Lightning Bolt (not Usain Bolt) dropped by to say hi to Vancouver the night before.  Today is another day I have to work hand in hand with Mr. GPS.   Today is the day I get to see Terry, his parents and Auntie Mary again. 

Photography by: Allen Snowdon

I was worried about the road condition after a wild thunderstorm hit the region last night but roads were cleared all the way from Richmond to Yarrow except I did not slow down on a Yield sign merging onto the highway (I only got a glimpse of the sign from the rear mirror after I got honked at) and was thinking I had the right of way.  Naturally, I got the honks and swears I deserved from the driver.  I followed all the instructions given to me this time (even though the street name on the road sign and GPS did not match) and amazingly, I got there without one drop of gas wasted.

No Pain No Gain?

I was watching the 2012 Summer Olympics last week and heard the host said "No Pain No Gain". These four words just struck me like lightning and led me to start pondering upon what am I gaining or will be gaining from the pain that I am suffering from now. I have been trying to find an answer to this question for a few days but am stuck at the emotion cul de sac with no way out.

  

People keep telling me God has His plan for me and that I may not understand it now but will eventually find out His meaning in the future.  They are right.  I really do not know what His plan is for me now and I am actually angry at Him for taking Terry away from me and cannot stop asking "Why Terry?", "Why Me?".  He is the one who gave Terry to me and He is also the one who took Terry away.    On one hand, I cannot help blaming God but on the other, I know I should not be angry at Him for He did extend His Almighty Hands to keep Terry from suffering too much pain during his last days on earth and He was always there for Terry when he needed Him the most.

Bad Week? Good Week?

Grief comes in waves — grief reactions can come and go, and the intensity varies considerably.  Just when I feel that things are finally a bit easier, something can unexpectedly trigger a whole new flood of feelings.

Last week was one of those devastated weeks.  Seems like I was surfing in the rough sea on a typhoon day and kept hitting by the raging waves that pulled me down to the bottom of the sea.    Struggling hard to resurface to the top but my legs were chained to a cauldron filled with pain, grief, guilt and sorrow that made it difficult for me to move and kick myself out of the turmoil. 

Final Gifts

This book is introduced to me by Tina whose neighbour works as a Palliative Care Nurse in White Rock Hospital.   After Terry was gone, Tina ran into her one day and asked her if patients know what is going on and understand what is being said when they have lost consciousness while approaching the final stage of life.   The answer is yes, they do. It is just that they no longer have the energy to respond but they can hear and understand.

Terry-Sent Angels

Terry sent me two Earth angels on Saturday to re-wire the TV cables in my house. He mentioned about the wiring at my place when he was sick in bed to Tina and Rob, a lovely couple from TELUS. Not only do they make sure the job is done but done flawlessly. Frankly, not many people nowadays will follow through on a casual request especially when the person who brought that up was no longer with us.

Talking About 444

I am no kidding you...   Here is T again!

I just checked on my blog stats and 444 is the number that showed up on the pageview count.  It could have been 443 or 445, no?

Thanks Terry for letting me know you are still with me!!  Love you!!!

Three-Digit Number

444 may mean nothing to most people but it is a very meaningful number for Terry and I.  Ever since I met Terry in 2004, I (even Terry) have been seeing 444 constantly from checking time on clocks; time displays; cell phones; computer monitors to hospital billboards in Hong Kong, car licence plates in Vancouver, Anchorage, Alaska to Guangzhou, China, price on food packages to odometer of my car.  Not to mention Terry's Chevrolet Suburban licence plate number was 444-CDB.

Is This A Prank?

Black cloud still hovering over me and dare me to smile?

Received a recorded message from a 1-877 number on the 18th advising that my debit card may be at risk and asked me to call them.  I being skeptical, called my branch and checked if that was a scam or not.  Ended up I have been a victim of identity theft and someone did transfer money from my bank account to a third party through online banking.  I still do not quite understand how could that happen without my authorization but explanation from the bank is online banking does allow e-transfer to any party as long as you or anyone logs in with your correct password.  It never occurs to me online banking is so insecure and unsafe until bad things happened.

Decked Out

Quote of the Day:

"Both tears and sweat are salty, but they render a different result.

Tears will get you sympathy; sweat will get you change."

-    Jesse Jackson

 

After a day's hard work under the angry sun and gallons of sweat produced, here is how my deck looks like now.

I totally underestimate the size of the job as it is only a small deck.  Once I got my hands dirty, I started to realize it was not as easy as I thought.  I ended up reorganizing the hardwood tiles at least 4 to 5 times to make it work.   It is so much like solving a puzzle to me.

I am no believer of gender equality and I strongly believe this is a blue job!  Otherwise, why there is the color blue and pink?  Why God created Adam and Eve?  I miss you Terry!!

A Day with Terry at Yarrow

July 14, 2012.  Sunny.

I finally made it to Yarrow all by myself yesterday.  Even with the GPS, I found myself driving around New Westminster (at least that was where I thought I was at) trying to get back on Highway 1.  Make sense?   Maybe I should just follow the instructions as told and stop analyzing the information given.  Why arguing with the GPS when I have absolutely no sense of direction myself.  Lesson Learned.   But didn't I keep asking Terry to just follow the GPS and stop playing GPS himself?  I guess that is human nature.  Always thinking too highly of oneself's ability.

Two Down, Five to Go

Gloomy start to Friday, the 13th but the sun did outrun the clouds as day went by.  No more excuse to stay lazy after the sun crept back and the day has to commence.

Ever since I moved back to my place in Richmond on June 27, I have been continuously junking out, cleaning up, unpacking and the worst yet to come, shopping for more junks.  The logic behind junking out is to make room for more junks?

The Sky Was Crying - June 16, 2012

The sky was crying with us on June 16, 2012.  Tears were rolling down the streets when almost 150 people gathered at Woodlawn Funeral Home in Abbotsford to celebrate the life of Terry, the love of my life.  The hall was filled with tears and laughters throughout the service.  Thanks to Jonathan of Woodlawn, Garth Froese, Russ Froese, Mike Black, Joe Lanouette, Erwin Wong, Tina Rovatti, Steven Scuor and all of our close relatives, friends and co-workers, the service was a great one.

Terry - The Love of My Life

Terry and I have only been together for seven and a half years. Even though it was a relatively short period of time, he was a man no one can replace… at least not in my heart. The Terry I know was very committed to his job. He was always sitting in front of his laptop working seven days a week that would drive me insane. He would put his personal life and home chores aside because of work. However, looking back now, I began to realize regardless how busy he was, he would still find time for me and take very good care of me. Especially in the last six months of his life, it confirmed that Terry was a giving man with very big heart. I am sorry if I did not constantly demonstrate how much you meant to me. I do appreciate everything you did for me and the devoted love that you continuously showered me with.

Worst Day of My Life - May 8, 2012

May 8 was definitely the worst day of my life.  PAPA Terry chose to leave me on that day to move on to a better place where there is only peace and no more sufferings.

I still remember the last sentence he spoke to me on that day, "May be it's time to say".  "Say what?" I asked.  "Bye Bye", he replied.  It is still so vivid and still stuck at the back of my mind.  Why did he choose to leave me so soon?   I still have so many things I want to say to him, telling him how much I love him, how much I am going to miss him?  Life is so not the same without him.

I know this is going to be a long grieving process and mourning journey.  Hope this blog can be a pain reliever for me.   Knowing Terry will be visiting my blog up there, I am going to share the bits and pieces of my life WITHOUT him with him and any visitor who happens to drop by.